every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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