is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
