I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
