I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
