He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
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I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
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Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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