I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just threw up on my dentist
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
