my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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