Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
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I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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