I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
