When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
