Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
