yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
