I wish my penis had an off switch
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
