you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
this boner is exhausting
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
