Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm sobbing to NWA
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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