Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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