I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
