so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
