Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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