when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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