Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
