plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
