Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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