I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
