I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
