She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
