I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
