Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
