Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
