I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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