How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
