just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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