About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
