I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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