My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
