Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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