He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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