Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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