I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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