i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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