Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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