omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?