Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell