Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP