therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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