hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
