buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
