I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
