Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
the raccoons are back...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
