My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
