That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
