im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
