I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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