My liver just broke up with me...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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