I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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