I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
