Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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