when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
