Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
