if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
