Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
