if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
There's even glitter on my cock...
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